Monday, March 9, 2015

Another Reason To Hate Mondays!

Of course I have to point out, it's just a random coincidence that today is Monday. Days of the week make no difference for stay at home moms with tiny tots. Every day is the same, pretty much. With that said, let's get on with my rambling today's blog, shall we?

I HAD TO GET OUT OF THE HOUSE. I woke up this morning feeling even worse than the day before and the day before that and I just had to get out of the house-sans kids!

I suppose it's just one of those days. "Those" days that people have every now and again. Those types of days that a lot of people get all too often which is why America is in the midst of a pill popping epidemic! I don't do pills. Except headache medicine (Does that count? It shouldn't, right?) I can't even down my daily vitamins which is why I've finally converted to buying the chewy, tasty, gummy kind.

Now I've gone completely off topic. Which makes sense since my mind has been running a mile a minute since I woke up this morning! Let's just say, I have a lot on my plate. A lot of life decisions to make with fingers crossed and good intentions but who is to say the choices we make are the right ones until it's too late to change them?! And, it's not just decisions on my behalf, or my husband's behalf, but decisions on behalf of our kids as well. I have a lot going on...just as all adults do! A lot I can't ever talk about. A lot I keep to myself. A lot I know will work itself out, just as life always does.

But some days, like today, the simmering deep down in my gut has escalated to a bubbling, boiling and sputtering of nerves splashing and burning my insides.  I find myself suffocating, the thoughts in my head are bouncing off one another and caving in, shutting down. I need release. I need to vent, to write. To take in the sun, soak it in. The warmth is soothing to my bones, thaws my cold, cold heart. I've been called selfish, bossy, bitch-separately or all together in one sentence-so many times in my life, I had to put that last bit in. Plus it sounded good! Ha! 

Anyway, alone time is truly a luxury for me these days.

However, today I had to steal alone time for myself. I left Lily and Darya on the couch: one with a tablet, the other with the remote and told them if they need anything, daddy was in the other room.

To be fair, I did offer to take them along.  "Where are you going?" They both asked in their sweet, curious voices. "To the library," I answered. To which they both, quickly responded, "No" and went back to focusing their attention to the tablet and the TV.  I'm actually a bit offended by the speed of their response! What's wrong with the library? All those books on the shelves, the quiet ambience, everyone there for one reason: to read, to learn, to escape. I was, however, relieved they declined, because my intentions were to be alone, to cure myself of these thoughts and feelings and make myself right again before going home to the question marks, to the chaos and insanity, that makes up my life.

So, without telling my husband--I really couldn't handle any sort of conversation without having a breakdown! I literally had to fight back tears as I gave my order to the barista at Starbucks! Of course she took my sour face and tight lips for just being a total bitch (figures) because she was giving me a death stare and placed my coffee so far from reach once it was ready, I really had to lean in to grab it! Ugh! I'm so misunderstood! Ha! See, my writing and venting is putting me in a better mood already!

Sometimes all we need is to change our perspective: the way we see from our minds eye. Leaving the house, taking a walk, breathing in the fresh air. Writing is therapeutic for me. The thoughts in my head, now on this blog, makes everything seem so achievable, makes my thoughts feel so menial.

Sometimes all we need is to change our perspective and to gift ourselves with (stolen) alone time. Maybe I'll even do something I've NEVER, EVER done before...go watch a movie by myself! A movie I've been trying to see, a movie I've been wanting to see before it even hit theaters. Yet, I didn't have the time, couldn't find the time, found it impossible to make the time.

I think my next blog is going to be about TIME, or lack thereof.

Now if you'll excuse me, the library awaits! Gosh I'm so naughty, my alone time consists of blogging at Starbucks, checking out a book at the library, and the possibility (I feel dirty just pondering the thought!) of seeing a movie by myself!  Mi Vida Loca.

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