Wednesday, February 4, 2015

Fifty Shades of Grey. Quite the conundrum.

9 more days until we see our beloved Christian Grey on the big screen!

Like most of you women out there, I can't wait to watch Fifty Shades of Grey in the theaters!

A poorly written erotica focused on BDSM, a man who doesn't know how to love and a girl who is so young, innocent and naive you really want to slap some sense into her. And yet, I loved the book! I couldn't put it down! It followed me to the kitchen, to the bathroom, to the gym, on the couch, the dining table where I ate my meals. I don't know how many pages the actual book is, but I read 500 something pages of the e-book version in its entirety--in one bloody day! Me! A mother of 2 who never has time to put her laundry away! Now that for me, is seriously Fifty Shades of F*@$d up!

Here are all the other reasons why the book is fifty shades of messed up for me:

For starters, I ordered the book off my phone, inconspicuously, 3 years after it was already a New York Times Bestseller and a fan crazed phenomena because I was, quite frankly, way too embarrassed to read it, be caught reading it or admit to reading it! Calling my inner Ana, or as Ana herself refers to as her inner goddess. Hi, it's me, meek, timid, shy and unaware that being bad feels so good! How are you? It's so good to finally meet you!

Charlie Hunnam. My Mr. Grey.
Second, this whole controversy over who will play our beloved Christian Grey (I'll get to him in a minute) has been stirring up women's hormones and messing with their state of mind for way too long. I know, through a friend, that there was a huge war with fans over a few Hollywood names that were possible prospects. Ian Somerhalder and Matt Bomer were two of those names. Being that I came on the scene 3 years too late (story of my life), I bypassed all that craziness. Yet, somehow I really didn't!  When I first read the book, I imagined-just as EL James wanted me to- a copper haired, gray eyed, beauty of a man with a perfect physique (of course). The crazy thing is, even though I had yet to watch my first Sons of Anarchy episode (yup, 3 years too late to that craze too) I imagined someone who looked a lot like Charlie Hunnam!

It was when I got to my last page of the book at about 2:30 in the middle of the night that I let out a heartfelt "Noooooo!" and instead of rolling over and going to sleep, I went on Youtube to watch the recently released trailer for the movie. WTF. I was not happy with the guy they had cast (he's grown on me a bit, but I'm still quite skeptical) he looked more like a good looking computer whiz who works for a Fortune 500 company than the badass Christian Grey I had spent the entire day reading and fantasizing about.  Then I came across Charlie Hunnam, the actor who was supposed to play Grey but backed out due to scheduling conflicts with his hit show, Sons of Anarchy...holy mother of hell, are you f-ing kidding me? And that my readers is how I became obsessed with a fan of Charlie Hunnam  Sons of Anarchy!

Here's another thing that's kind of messed up. I spent the entire day yesterday re-reading the book--in excitement of the film's release in about a week--but, this time around I read the book with Charlie Hunnam/Jax Teller as Christian Grey.  Spot on. I'm hoping the movie in my head isn't better than the actual movie! Don't let me down Jamie Dornam, please!

Okay, so let's get to this Christian Grey, 50 shades of messed up in the head, not a hearts and flowers kind of guy! I'm sorry, but this cold and heartless BDSM lover is more romantic and in tune with what women want than 50 normal (real live-not characters in a book) men put together! For a man who doesn't know how to love, he sure as hell does it well! Isn't that why every woman who has read the book has fallen in love with him? A beautiful specimen of a man who is beyond wealthy and successful, talented in so many ways (plays the piano, flies planes, runs a multi-million dollar company, all while courting Ana). Speaking of courting, the man only has eyes for Ana, isn't even aware of all the flustered admirers--come on! In real life, you glance over at a guy, any guy, and he automatically thinks "she wants me" yet this perfect man is oblivious to his perfection and the swarm of lusting eyes that only Ana sees...because he only has eyes for Ana. Just as he is her first, she is also his first in so many ways! So sweet, so romantic, so far fetched yet every woman's fantasy. Fifty Shades of Grey you are pulling on my heartstrings and I don't like it! I wish in real life a girl could email her lover that she missed him and wished he was there and viola! ten minutes later he's lurking in her bedroom or even better, hops on his jet to fly 3,000 miles to see her. All men should "aim to please" like that. Shouldn't they? Oh, if only! I suppose the book would have been boring and mundane and certainly not such a phenomenon if every man was as amazing as Christian Grey.

Last but not least, here's what is really Fifty Shades of all kinds of F*#@ed up for me, as an english major and a writer. To be blunt, the book is written very poorly. There are grammatical errors, words and phrases used and re-used time and time again! The amount of times Ana thought to herself, "Oh my!" is nauseating. The amount of times she "came undone" is an exasperating double eye-roll (no one around to spank me into submission). The author, EL James had said in an interview that she wrote the book on her blackberry during her train rides to and from work! Considering how basic the book is, I believe that! There's a reason I managed to read it so fast, it's an easy read! But, here's what's crazy...I also read it so fast because I couldn't put it down. I was hanging on to every word, because EL James brilliantly wrote a novel encompassing every woman's fantasy.  Hot rich guy. Hot, anything but vanilla, sex. Hot cars and Hot adventures. We are all living through Ana as we read. And, I believe most of us are as innocent and naive as Ana when it comes to matters of the heart. We relate to her conflicting heart because we'd be equally conflicted!

EL James, you have single handedly written (excuse the pun) a perfect novel for our "we want more" generation and caused quite a conundrum with a woman's want to be strong, independent and in control versus their need and desire to submit and give everything they can, all in the name of love.  

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