Friday, February 6, 2015

A Blessing and a Curse

Career? What career?!

That's what my brain is saying to my heart these days. My brain, the logical, make a list and weigh the pros and cons, part of my body knew becoming a stay at home mom was going to hurt my career in the long run. However, my heart, the emotional, I'm not going to think about it right now because I'm too busy feeling all this love, part of my body just wanted to hold and nurture her babies and never be apart from them! I guess there really was no middle ground, no halfway. It's not like my career was flourishing at the time. It was hardly existent. So, which path to take was pretty obvious for me, because it was really the only one. Unfortunately, I didn't pick a very cut and dry profession. The land of entertainment journalism is a tough and tricky one to maintain and grow in. So, when husband and I decided to try for baby #1, the web-site I was working at had just gone bust due to the recession and I was in dire need of a break from months of countless hosting auditions that were getting me nowhere! 

I got pregnant almost instantly and when Lily hit 8 months, I was surprised to find out that I was almost 2 months pregnant with Darya. There you have it. My path was chosen for me. I became a mother of 2 under 2 with no time to even think about all those previous years I had spent in pursuit of being a successful career lady.  It's not like, being a mother of 2 little ones, I had time to even send out my resume and demo reel...hell, I barely had time to shove food down my throat eat something before one (or both) of them started crying, needed a diaper change, needed to be fed! While they napped, I quickly took care of my needs: bathroom, food in my belly, few sips of coffee(!), breathe....and they're awake again. The amount of times I heated and re-heated my coffee in the span of a day was depressing. As a coffee lover, there's nothing worse than burnt coffee.  Alas, with a blink of an eye, the years passed! Lily turns 5 this month! My babies are now full grown, talking (back), grabbing snacks out of the fridge (leaving the door wide open as they run off with their item of choice), dressing themselves (a tornado hits their bedroom every morning in the process), we still have a few malfunctions. I still need to break up their fights, wash their bottom after they've pooped, pour their juice, put them in time out...but, they no longer cry when they see me getting ready to leave them. They no longer need me the way they used to. For that reason, I can be away and be at peace. My heart and mind have both given me the green light. I'm ready to put a third of the focus back on me.

Which is where the curse comes in...who the heck wants to hire someone who has been a stay at home mom for half a decade. I'm not fresh and new. With two young kids, companies could see me as a liability. Last week I applied for a handful of jobs within my area of expertise: investigative reporter, writer and producer, assistant editor. Every position explained that the hours are long and far exceeding the required 40 with nights and weekends expected as meeting deadlines are crucial. Who expects a stay at home mom to be able to keep up with the fast paced entertainment industry and be okay with not getting home in time to tuck their kids into bed? I wouldn't hire me! As much as I would love for them to take a chance on me, I can't blame them that they aren't.  This is my curse. I'm trying to figure it out, find my way, but it's hard and sometimes sad. But when I think about how I could have done it differently, I really don't think there was any other way for me at the time. Which is why I have to believe that I'm living out my life's path just as I'm supposed to and I have to keep doing what my instincts tell me is right until new paths open up.


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