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Friday, January 30, 2015

Surround yourself with happy people and you'll live a happy life. It's that simple.

There was a time in my life when I questioned my self worth. I was an overachiever, a do gooder, a busy bee. I sought others approval and words of praise as a form of redemption for existing in this world. Compliments from others was accepted with great difficulty, embarrassment and disbelief. I didn't just not like myself, I loathed my entire existence. There was a time in my life that I lived through others. I lived through fictional characters in books, their happiness, their adventures and travels, their lifestyle, relations, dialogue, it all became mine. Books were my escape, no matter how fleeting, it allowed me to feel something other than what it felt like to be me.  I also lived through confident people, even though they mostly made me feel bad about myself, because I truly didn't think I deserved any better. I was not only self deprecating myself, but encouraging others to do the same. I just continued to stay busy, busy, busy, so I didn't have to think, think, think...about how unhappy I was.
In my early twenties I went through some things that were, to say the least, life altering experiences. All of a sudden I was seeing everything with such clarity and in a completely different light as before. I had to emotionally hit rock bottom before I could see my life as something worth fighting for. And something crazy happened. Instead of going and doing and achieving, I stopped. I could spend the entire afternoon on the couch, staring at the wall. I had no motivation to do anything and for the first time, I didn't care what anybody else thought or what they would have to say. I just wanted to be. I wanted to soak in the sun and enjoy the silence in my head. No to-do list, no long term plan, or set goals. Just an afternoon of nothing. I had just realized that I wasn't living this life for anybody but myself. I shouldn't be pursuing all these things and trying to come out on top for my mother's love and happiness or my father's praise and acceptance. I was living for me. What did I want from this life? What did I want to give myself that obviously nobody else was able to give me yet? Happiness, peace of mind, self acceptance and self love. It's a crazy thing to triumph from tragedy. Through the years I have eliminated many toxic people from my life. People who, at the end of the day, didn't make me feel good about myself, didn't make me happy. I should have done it years ago for myself. But, it was when I became a mother that I was able to see, hear and spot all the bad around me. For the sake of my girls', their childhood, their innocence, their happiness, I cut some pretty important people out of my life. By 'pretty important' I am referring to people who could have been important, but chose not to be.  I'm an expert now at forgetting the bad, the negative, the sad and embracing laughter, love and joy.  Everyday that I wake up happy and positive and without a sad bone in my body, I feel blessed. Seeing my girls leap out of their beds with a smile from one dimpled cheek to the other as they jump in my arms for a 'good morning hug' I am beyond grateful and totally amazed. My life has turned right side up. First and foremost I have myself to thank for that. Then my husband, his love and support. And, our beautiful girls, who love their mommy and daddy so unconditionally that sometimes I'm moved to tears...happy tears!

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