Friday, January 30, 2015

Surround yourself with happy people and you'll live a happy life. It's that simple.

There was a time in my life when I questioned my self worth. I was an overachiever, a do gooder, a busy bee. I sought others approval and words of praise as a form of redemption for existing in this world. Compliments from others was accepted with great difficulty, embarrassment and disbelief. I didn't just not like myself, I loathed my entire existence. There was a time in my life that I lived through others. I lived through fictional characters in books, their happiness, their adventures and travels, their lifestyle, relations, dialogue, it all became mine. Books were my escape, no matter how fleeting, it allowed me to feel something other than what it felt like to be me.  I also lived through confident people, even though they mostly made me feel bad about myself, because I truly didn't think I deserved any better. I was not only self deprecating myself, but encouraging others to do the same. I just continued to stay busy, busy, busy, so I didn't have to think, think, think...about how unhappy I was.
In my early twenties I went through some things that were, to say the least, life altering experiences. All of a sudden I was seeing everything with such clarity and in a completely different light as before. I had to emotionally hit rock bottom before I could see my life as something worth fighting for. And something crazy happened. Instead of going and doing and achieving, I stopped. I could spend the entire afternoon on the couch, staring at the wall. I had no motivation to do anything and for the first time, I didn't care what anybody else thought or what they would have to say. I just wanted to be. I wanted to soak in the sun and enjoy the silence in my head. No to-do list, no long term plan, or set goals. Just an afternoon of nothing. I had just realized that I wasn't living this life for anybody but myself. I shouldn't be pursuing all these things and trying to come out on top for my mother's love and happiness or my father's praise and acceptance. I was living for me. What did I want from this life? What did I want to give myself that obviously nobody else was able to give me yet? Happiness, peace of mind, self acceptance and self love. It's a crazy thing to triumph from tragedy. Through the years I have eliminated many toxic people from my life. People who, at the end of the day, didn't make me feel good about myself, didn't make me happy. I should have done it years ago for myself. But, it was when I became a mother that I was able to see, hear and spot all the bad around me. For the sake of my girls', their childhood, their innocence, their happiness, I cut some pretty important people out of my life. By 'pretty important' I am referring to people who could have been important, but chose not to be.  I'm an expert now at forgetting the bad, the negative, the sad and embracing laughter, love and joy.  Everyday that I wake up happy and positive and without a sad bone in my body, I feel blessed. Seeing my girls leap out of their beds with a smile from one dimpled cheek to the other as they jump in my arms for a 'good morning hug' I am beyond grateful and totally amazed. My life has turned right side up. First and foremost I have myself to thank for that. Then my husband, his love and support. And, our beautiful girls, who love their mommy and daddy so unconditionally that sometimes I'm moved to tears...happy tears!

Thursday, January 29, 2015

Usher, I DO MIND!

What is going on!? I mean, REALLY?  
Please remember, whether you like it or not, you are a role model to our youth!  

There are a lot of songs on the radio that are pushing the limits with their lyrics. Yet, I admit, I still enjoy listening to them and even allow my girls to indulge a bit as well! We have had many dance party moments where I let my girls shimmy around the house shaking it off as they sing and borderline shout, "It's all about the bass, bout the bass" in their adorable, only a mother can love, shrieks!
Obviously there are songs I have come across via radio and Pandora that are a little too hard core (mainly of the rap genre) and I change the song instantly. However, this Usher song seems to have really triggered a nerve with me. And, I'll tell you why. I grew up listening to Usher! Some of my favorite songs and sweetest teenage memories are from Usher's songs. "My Boo" with Alicia Keyes, "You Got it Bad" featuring his then girlfriend Chili from TLC, "You Make Me Wanna" --to be honest,  I have most of his albums and there isn't a song I DON'T like.
Then I hear "I Don't Mind" on the radio and, as a mother of 2 young girls, I'm now mad at Usher. Not just disappointed, but mad. Usher, I don't want to change your song when it comes on the radio. But, I don't want my girls listening to what you are telling them. Maybe as a father of 2 BOYS, you don't mind. But, in this world of boys being pimps and girls being pimped out, I mind and I mind A LOT! I know there are way too many songs out there like yours, but your lyrics are so direct in promoting girls as strippers that it's the basis of the entire song! Let's have a look, shall we: "Shawty, I don't mind/ If you dance on a pole, that don't make you a ho.." Usher then goes on to encourage his lady to go and "make that many, money, money" before adding "You can take off your clothes, long as you coming home."
This is not what I want my daughters to be exposed to. To think that it's okay to sell their body as a means to earning an income.  The thing is, if it's on the radio and people are singing to it on the streets, my girls are not only being desensitized by the message that being a stripper is an admirable profession, but they are going to think it's cool and hip and it's what they should be doing too. Then there's this verse that really pushed me to the edge, at this point Usher is really into his song and he's singing fast, "You can twerk while in a split, you racking up them tips/Your body rock and your booty poppin'/ I'm proud to call you my bitch." Needless to say, at this point I'm livid. It's one thing to be a sexy, beautiful and healthy female with a respected, profession that was earned through years of education, experience and hard work. It's quite another to be fully naked and exposing your private parts to dirty, perverted men so that they will throw dollar bills at you. This is not a profession to be glorified. Most strippers are strung out on drugs and they age fast because they are living fast. There is no dignity in stripping and selling your body. And the fact that you are calling your girl a bitch, implies that you also have no respect for her.
What's sad is that women are faced with fine lines on a daily basis. It's a fine line to wear make up and fix our hair to feel pretty and be perceived as beautiful by others, but doing that while also wearing skimpy, barely there clothes automatically sends the message that we are slutty. By dressing sexy we have crossed the line between acceptable beauty standards and ventured toward the unacceptable. Then there's not doing any of it at all, which can turn into us being labeled as gay or butch, and a word I really hate the most, dyke.
However, men can wear gym clothes, work clothes, everyday clothes, nobody ever judges them.
So you see Usher, life for a female, especially in this day and age of We Can Do It and Lean In and the continued pursuit of equal pay and equal opportunities, is quite a difficult one, and you my long time friend, are not making it any easier on our youth!  

Tuesday, January 27, 2015

The Secret to Your Happy Universe

Is being whispered in your ear, by your soul and your spirit, every second of the day.

An early Instagram post with
positive words to start the day right. 
Thank you Buddha & Vanessa Hudgens.
A funny thing happened yesterday as I was on the verge of writing my blog for that day. A strange and funny thing, indeed. I received an email informing me about a job opening with a highly prestigious company. I get these kinds of emails all the time through a multitude of sources, but this email was different. This email struck a chord and I found myself in a desperate want as I envisioned my new life with this new career.  I immediately sat down and applied for it, feeling not only positive and hopeful, but also amazed. Isn't life amazing? Only a month ago I was a full time mom. Then I decided I was ready to start blogging again. One afternoon I approached a nice guy who looked very 'technologically advanced' at my local Starbucks and asked for his assistance with a problem I was having on my MacBook.  Turns out he was very knowledgeable with technology and actually wrote on the topic. I mentioned that I was also a writer and that's where he introduced me to a company who hires freelance writers. So I applied. And I began blogging. I put myself back out into the universe. I felt ready. My girls are getting bigger, they are almost fully efficient, and we are all ready to spread our wings! I'm so grateful that I was fully, every second of the day, present in their lives for those precious first few years. But, as they get older, it's important to me that they see me out there in the world as more than just there mom-although, being there mom is the greatest thing in the world! I just want them to learn all the right things from me. If I'm giving 100% of myself to living a full and happy life, then that's exactly how they will learn to also live.  So, yesterday instead of the time I had allotted for myself to blog, I applied for this prospective career, and I decided that I was going to start searching and applying for more amazing job opportunities like that one. No one who pursues life with a full heart is ever a failure. It's those who do nothing, that get nothing. That's the truth. As soon as I was mentally prepared for life outside of the mommy realm, things just magically started opening up for me. That's exciting! That's what living is all about. You give it your all, you get back what you put in. I'm looking forward to 2015. Every year is a blessing and every year is full of miracles in all shapes and sizes.

Saturday, January 24, 2015



We grow up, unwillingly, in the world our parents provide for us. Whether it's in the Southside of Chicago, Beverly Hills, or Seattle, we have no choice. Our life is in our parents hands. Our happiness is in their control. What we wear, from the shoes on our feet to the shirt on our back--they buy or don't buy for us. Our self confidence or lack thereof is for the most part, in the hands and more literally, the mouth of our parents. Did we, as your children, do a good job today or did we fail you? Am I pretty or am I fat? Do you show your love or is it just something you say to make me feel guilty for being a burden on your life, your finances, your freedom?

How can I love myself if you don't love me? 

How can I know my self worth if you don't teach me?

I suppose our genetics falls into play on how we cope with the cards we are dealt. Some turn to drugs and alcohol, others possibly self mutilation, and then there's the few who are true survivors . They come out on top seemingly untouched and unscathed.  Whatever the facade we've learned to put on, we will always be our parents children. We will always remember the good, the bad and the ugly...or like me, maybe we'll block most of it out.

Love them.
Guide them.
Nurture their talents.
Feed their curiosity.
Allow them to explore the world.
Assure them that they are
amazing and exceptional.
Teach them how to be,
so they face the world with confidence,
an open heart,
insurmountable strength and courage.
May you lead the way so well that they never question themselves by looking back.

Friday, January 23, 2015

What I Ate This Week...

My husbands own version of Spanakopita.
I don't cook. I never have. I may have dabbled in baking in my younger years thanks to my Home Ec class, but that's about it. 

My husband, however, he's a professional, five star, can cook you anything you want, chef. Early in our relationship, when he was trying hard to woo me, I'd come home from a long day at work to find him in the kitchen putting in the finishing touches to our five course meal! 

Thin, crispy, flaky crust & a perfect amount of
cheese and spinach

One day my husband will open up his very own restaurant, to share his love and talent for cooking with anyone and everyone who enters his space. For now, unfortunately, all you get are these food porn pictures! 

Pizza pocket made from scratch!

Vegetarian Carbonara

Lamb chops served with risotto.
Garnished with grilled onions and tomato. 

Melt in your mouth, Almond Croissant

Chocolate Croissant

Thursday, January 22, 2015

A Letter To My Younger Self

I hold your hand, you hold my heart. 
While watching Oprah's Super Soul Sunday one night (thank you, DVR), Oprah and her guest, Shawn Achor discussed not only the secret to happiness, but also its' nemesis, depression.  Acher, a New York Times best selling author, revealed his 2 year stint with depression while Oprah also confided that she too experienced depression when her 10 years in the making movie, Beloved, didn't do well in the box office.  Acher than said something that peaked my interest. He mentioned writing a letter to his younger self to gain perspective on the past, the present and all the changes and lessons he has learned along the way. The letter allowed Acher to reflect and understand that despite life's twists and turns, he will come out okay, and that mistakes can turn into lessons learned if you are open to it. Oprah also wrote a letter to her younger self for a CBS series called "Note to Self." You can watch that here:

I have never experienced depression, but I have known sadness.  A painfully deep and long lasting sense of void that left me in aching despair through much of my younger years.  I thought it could be healing to write a letter to my younger self as well.

Dear Ladan,

I know your childhood was not ideal. Certainly not like anything you saw on TV or witnessed from other families.  Remember the time you were watching Full House and your mother told you to be more like those kids on TV, and since answering back was pointless, you just sat there thinking: How can I be like them when NOTHING about my life is like them? They were a loving, family unit. They were happily living together, co-existing as a team. They had family dinners that involved conversations as equals. They learned life lessons through goof ups that involved jokes and laughter.  Dishes weren't shattered as many times as broken promises and let downs. 

I'm so sorry Ladan that sadness was all you knew growing up.  It didn't help that you were barely 6 years old when you came to America and your family was still trying to raise you as though you were still in Iran. It definitely didn't help with your social status with the other kids at school either! Your childhood was all kinds of wrong. First there was your broken home and the family divide, then the culture clash of your parents rules and the outside world. Since you were too young to have a say, you had to endure it all.  I'm so sorry that you grew up without a voice.  I'm here to tell you that as soon as you are old enough to take the reigns-the sun starts to shine through all those cracks! It's a journey, I know, but you are strong and you are wise and you are motivated! I'm so proud of all that you have accomplished. After graduating high school, you ventured out into the unknown knowing only one thing: You were going to do it your way, you were going to live it up and you were going to experience all you could with nobody telling you "NO" ever again. 

Your summer internship to DC, just before your 19th birthday, was really life changing! With no familiar eyes around to judge your decisions, you were allowed to discover yourself inside and out! What a life journey that was in itself. But you didn't stop there, and I'm so glad you didn't! You spent another 3 months in Spain, studying at the University of Barcelona, where you took weekend excursions traveling to amazing places like Ibiza and Portugal as well different regions of Spain. While abroad, you also spent an entire month backpacking from country to country staying in cheap hostels and throwing away worn shoes or clothes that were starting to wear you down. That's an amazing memory and experience you can only truly enjoy in your youth!  After college, you continued to travel locally and abroad to amazing places like Iran, Brazil, Hawaii and, London. Looking back, boy am I glad you did all those things while you had the chance! Good for you for seizing the opportunity and going with it. YOU paid for all those trips, and they were well worth every hard earned penny! 

You've also had so many amazing work experiences interviewing some great people: Barbara Walters, Angelina Jolie, Will Smith! Remember how when you were younger you were so envious of all those Iranians you would see walking together in clusters down the streets of Tehrangeles? How you wished you could be like them, because where you grew up there were hardly any other Iranians who could relate to your culture and your parents strict rules. I'm here to tell you that in your early twenties, not only do you become the epitome of the cool Iranian girl, but you get to mingle with the Iranian celebrities and singers, with VIP access to their concerts and to clubs, and you get to be on TV, hosting your own entertainment show! Amazing how life works, isn't it? 

I know despite your parents terrible relationship you still somehow believed in love and you were a relentless hopeless romantic! You wanted to get married and have 3-4 kids, to live on a ranch somewhere in Oregon, with horses and dogs and cats and turtles (you were 9 when you dreamed up this fantasy!). Well, you do get married, you even have a beautiful wedding (life is amazing!), so far you have 2 healthy, happy, adorable girls (the other 2 could very well still be in your future, who knows!). There is talk of getting a dog, but at the moment you have your hands full and you've turned into such a city girl that I'm not sure the ranch lifestyle is really your thing anymore, though at 9 years old, I'm sure it sounded super fun!  

"The keys to your happiness are no longer in
someone's pocket from your past. They're in yours.
And that's empowering." -Adyashanti
There's still so much living and experiencing and achieving left to do! Your girls are ridiculously happy. Everyday you get to re-live your childhood through them, consider it a re-take or a re-do, who cares, you're all having fun! I wish I knew what the future years held for you, but I don't. I do know that it's been a great ride ever since you took control, so I'm pretty sure whatever you envision will come to fruition. Published author? Esteemed blogger? Public Speaker? Professional writer? Yes, yes, yes, and YES! Only you can make it so. There is NOBODY around to tell you NO, and you're way too old and busy to be listening to the naysayers anyway! 

Sunday, January 18, 2015

The Bohemian Me

My life has never been normal. I've never been stable. I was born at the beginning of a revolution. I left my country at the age of 5 and have been moving around ever since. I'm so addicted to movement and motion that no day can ever be the same for me. I don't have routine. There are things that ground me and make me feel calm-like going to my local Starbucks and writing, or reading a good book on my cozy living room couch in the late hours of the night or the wee hours of the morning.

However, I have yet to live anywhere and feel completely at home. **With the one and only exception being our previous apartment with it's amazing million dollar view! That's the first time I cried over a move and I've moved almost as many times as my age! But even then I knew we weren't living there long term, our family was growing out of that apartment and the rent was going up every year!** 
What a view! I'd sit on the balcony,
enjoy my morning coffee and
mentally prepare for an amazing day!

Maybe stable is the wrong word, because I'm actually quite stable. I suppose I find it difficult to be consistent. Which can be hard when you're married with kids. Because in the midst of my internal chaos I have 2 little ones with set routines and schedules. In my case, having a job, someone to answer to, deadlines and quotas, may be a good thing. It can help align my own personal craziness with my kids hectic schedule. It can bring me closer to peace, normalcy and sanity. The busier I've been, the more I've accomplished, the happier I've felt. Quite possibly, I may live in 30 more houses that still won't truly feel like home.
I have no idea what the future holds, all I have is today, and today I'm spending quality time with family--because no matter where I am, when I'm with them--I'm home.

Saturday, January 17, 2015

Where Have You Been All My Life?

Go Lakers!
The other day, while walking back to our car after Lily's basketball game, I was so proud of her improvement in the game and excited over how good she had gotten almost over night that I thought out loud, "Where have you been all my life!?" Lily laughed, her adorable dimples set against a beautiful and beaming face. Seriously, who was I before I had kids? Who was I before these two precious beings came and pulled the rug from under my feet.

No matter how much I clean, in one
afternoon, it ends up like this!
Our house is always a mess, it's always noisy, they want, want, want, they argue, nag and fight....but when they aren't around, and everything is silent, my heart aches and I miss them, I want them...I can't live without them! These little creatures have come along and I have never felt more fulfilled and joyous. I've also never felt more tired, overworked and busy! Maybe I do more than most parents,  I don't know.  I just want to give them the world, because they are my world.

As parents, my husband and I try to set rules and guidelines. Would we say our kids are spoiled? Yea, we would. But there's nothing wrong with that as long as they are appreciative and loving. They are good kids. I'm proud of that. I'm also proud to say that they are well taken care of and truly loved by both parents. I love my husband that much more because he loves and adores our kids. He paints there nails and braids there hair. He brings them into the kitchen and gets them involved with cooking and baking. He has started acquainting them with the piano keys and lets them play while he supervises. The girls adore their daddy. As a wife and mom, nothing makes me happier.

Baking cookies with Daddy
My kids are loud. They are rambunctious. If you are not used to their craziness, you will be taken aback and it could end in one of two ways: you either need headache medication or they whisk into there world and you leave feeling elated and excited and with more energy then what you initially had.
Role-playing with family pictures and stuffed animals

Kids are a beautiful thing. There little smiles. There soft skin. There quick hugs and long cuddles. The silly things they say, their imagination at play. And their innocence. Their innocence is so special, so delicate. You show them the good, the fun, the happy, and the positive, they will learn it and show it right back. Like a sponge.

Being a parent is scary, it's hard, it's time consuming and incredibly selfless. It's expensive, will test your patience and push your buttons. However, if it's who you want to be, full heartedly and with no regrets and zero resentment--then, it will 100% be the best time of your life and you will honestly feel so fulfilled that you will at one point stop and think out loud, "Where have you been all my life?"

Friday, January 16, 2015

A letter to myself. Written December 16.

So many changes in just one month! Happy to say this letter no longer applies. 

It's hard NOT to sleep in when I have
two warm, super cozy and comfy bodies
creeping into bed with me in the
wee hours of the morning!
I'm tired. Not the tired you feel from lack of sleep. I get plenty of sleep. I think that's part of the problem, really. I'm the fed up kind of tired. Fed up, tired and angry at myself for sleeping early and waking up late and not getting more than I should done in a day! I'm super angry because it's been building up inside me for a while. The cause and effect of my lack of planning is pissing me off. I guess it doesn't help that I have 2 kids under 5, but I seriously expect more from myself....I have always been an over achiever! Two kids can't shouldn't stop me! It should just add to the challenge. Well, as we approach 2015, I say, "Bring it on! Though it comes out very meek and I'm quite weary that I can pull it off..but recently I've been dropping my daughter off late to preschool, forgetting appointments, confusing times and dates for birthday parties! Not cool. Not fun. So not me. I might never get my daughter's baby scrapbook or my 'ten years in the making' novel finished, but I don't want to show up late to birthday parties or forget important appointments!

So, I guess my 2015 resolution is:
Sleep Less, Plan more, Set Goals, Meet Deadlines, 
Be Open to Failure and to Try, Try Again! 

January 16, one month later, and I have:

  • started a blog 
  • in the process of becoming a freelance writer
  • getting back into my gym routine
By February 16 I hope to be:
  • regularly writing, freelance and personal
  • active on youtube 
  • a certified gym instructor
Here's to a fulfilling year of DOING, BEING and (especially as mom) MOTIVATING! 

***I should mention that sleeping in for me means waking up at 8am on my own accord as opposed to having my alarm wake me at 5am so I can get a head start to my crazy day!*** 

Thursday, January 15, 2015

Self Proclaimed TV Junkie

Once upon a time I got paid to watch
tv/movies and interview celebrities!
Here's my headshot to prove it!

I'd call myself a TV junkie. Thanks to my DVR, I can watch it all whenever I want AND fast forward those annoying commercials. How amazing is technology?! I know this concept isn't new, but it's fairly new, and being that I'm ridiculously technologically challenged (impaired, stupid--it all means the same thing), I think the DVR is the best thing EVER! Of course there is also the bluetooth in my car, any type of functioning coffee machine, and toilets...thank goodness for good plumbing!)

So, what does a thirty something wife and mother of 2 like to watch at nights when her angels are fast asleep? Well, there's Sons of Anarchy: nothing like a bad boy on a bike going on a killing spree on every episode BUT he loves his wife, his mom (well, for the most part), and his kids. The main character, Jax, is searching deep in his soul to better understand his life, the club and whether everything he has going on can co-exist. Well, we know it can't, but it's great entertainment watching Jax's world crumble and fall one episode at a time. Conflicted, good hearted, but he'll kill you if you cross him....what a man! It's a shame Charlie Hunnam (aka Jax) isn't playing the character of Christian Grey in the upcoming Fifty Shades movie!  Not that it stops me from watching the Fifty Shades movie...but, I would have enjoyed it THAT much more if Charlie/Jax (let's face it, it's Jax that we love because we really have no idea who Charlie is).

Then there's Shameless! Oh, how I LOVE watching this show. I was trying to break down the
characters and story of the show to my husband-who has never seen it--and we were both cracking up laughing. I never realized how ridiculously crazy the show was before. As my husband put it, "This is definitely not something you can watch with your mom or dad in the room." No, honey, definitely not! The cast is amazing, the show is brilliant and I promise if you watch, you will be hooked!

I'm also watching Celebrity Apprentice (who knew Geraldo and his ego were so weird and annoying).  I have Catfish and Celebrity Wife Swap on DVR...I've never been catfished but somebody did create a Facebook account using my pictures once! Which was super strange, and though I felt violated, I was also slightly flattered as well. Of course there's also Girls--written very smart and simple.  I do also appreciate what I call my Criminolody, Law & Society genre: Snapped, Dateline, LockUp, 20/20. A word to the wise: be cautious and weary, when and if, you are considering LIFE INSURANCE!!!

I don't know why I'm not too big on comedy shows-I've always related more with the underdog and the dark, tortured souls, I suppose! But, I find Black-ish very funny (though my husband begs to differ) and I'm willing to give Fresh off the Boat a fighting chance.

Also, Being Mary Jane Season 2 is just weeks away!! I just started recording Empire. And, I can't wait for the new season of Couples Therapy: I really like to look inward when watching the show to try and take something away from Dr. Jenn's counseling advice.  Hey, free therapy-God knows I need it!

Is there anything I'm missing out on? You know, most successful people you talk to or see on TV often claim that they don't watch TV. Which makes sense. They're too busy being successful and maintaining their success! All I have to say to that is, after a crazy and hectic day with my energetic kids, a day filled with remembering a handful of different things like: What time was basketball practice again? I have to do laundry so Darya's ballet outfit is clean for tomorrow. Lily's homework is due! I volunteered to take cupcake for Darya's event at school. Did I pay the water bill? Did I ever text/call [insert ANY name here] back?  Every day is filled with cleaning, grocery shopping, hour of homework, personal writing, and hitting the gym (thank goodness my girls love the daycare there)! I haven't even mentioned the process of putting them to sleep. And by them, I mostly mean Lily! Go the F**k to Sleep is my nightly routine with that child! So, by the time they're fast asleep, I'm mentally and physically exhausted! I don't want to do anything but watch a little bit of TV before passing out, right there on the couch...without even brushing my teeth!

Wednesday, January 14, 2015

Crazy Mom Syndrome

So I had a 'crazy mom' moment last night while watching, funny enough, Beverly Hills Housewives. Kyle was having an emotional breakdown saying her goodbyes to her college bound daughter. She's ranting about how she doesn't want her to leave and how she has never been away from home before and how the entire dynamic of their household is going to change--and what do I do? I start sobbing with her! My husband, who is sitting on the other end of the couch assumes I'm faking it, so he starts laughing. Able to realize the silliness of it all, I find myself laughing AND crying uncontrollably! I exclaim, "I'm really crying! Can you please come over here and give me a hug!" My husband rushes over to console me. We agreed that that our girls can only go to a college close enough where they can commute from home. We then agreed that it may actually be a possibility that I really am pregnant because the last time I acted this crazy--crying at the drop of a dime--I was pregnant with Lily and super hormonal! I'm not even going to address it until it's a certainty (although it seems to be all I'm thinking about these days).  Obviously, just when I'm back to writing and putting some focus back on myself, I get knocked up.  I'd like to think I can do it all. But experience has taught me that it's next to impossible. Come what may, it'll all work out in the end. It always does.
There is nothing more important to me than my girls, and their happiness.

Tuesday, January 13, 2015

Mommy Blog: Entry 1 --Happy to be back!!


About 5 years ago I started a very short lived blog.  Lily was a baby and I was, for the first time, experiencing motherhood and what it truly meant to be a stay at home mom.  Lily on her own was such an energy sucking, time consuming handful, when to my surprise, I found out I was pregnant with baby #2--oops!  Needless to say, I cried. Not tears of joy. Tears of exhaustion. Tears from an overwhelming fear of HOW?? When I could barely handle 1, HOW in the heck could I manage 2?! At 7 months pregnant our family made a huge (but very short lived) move cross country--leaving SoCal and heading to Virginia!  I was having such a hard time maintaining my sanity that the last thing on my mind was keeping my blog updated.

It was a very rough couple of years--as anyone with kids would know!

Our family income was cut by half. I was a mother of 2 under the age of 2. And, for the most part, other than my husband, I didn't have anyone to depend on for help.
17 month old Lily, giving her baby sister a kiss
LOL--Darya looks terrified! 
Writing about it now reminds me of how difficult a time it truly was. I was exhausted from lack of sleep, physically and emotionally drained from all the in between.

It was a trying time on my marriage, my friendships and my family--those who not only couldn't stand with me but were wavering just enough to contribute to my fall--I had no choice but to let them go. Bluntly put; I had to cut the bullshit.  My life was hard and many didn't make it through the hard times with me. True colors were shown and the selfish and weak sifted through. On a positive note, the ones that mattered are still around today! I survived the madness and came out on the winning end with happy kids! Now that I have this tiny window of new found freedom, I'm so excited to start blogging again and I hope you'll stick around for each post.

Mommy of 3 (husband included)